"And I was some of the mud that got to sit up and look around. Lucky me, lucky mud."
- Kurt Vonnegut

The Mindfulness Study Group recently started Jack Kornfield's, "A Path With Heart, a Guide Through the Perils and Promises of a Spiritual Life."  

As we explore the "path" Kornfield shares, I experience the chapters as gardens of teachings and stories about mindfulness and life. There are blooms of peace, inspiration, and wisdom. Each time I visit, I see something new and I am changed. Yet it's not romantic or idyllic. It is honest and real, with a heartfulness that experiences and allows all that life brings. Here, all is present and abiding.

I was struck at our last session by the insights on "the preciousness and brevity of life." Since then, this has been a recurring theme each day. Here is how:

We Croak - In the spirit of the adage, "to be a truly happy person, one must contemplate death five times daily," the We Croak app shares quotes that inspire daily contemplations of death. These inspirations against the backdrop of a Path With Heart have infused my meditation and mindfulness with simple reflections on the dear and fleeting nature of life. 

Far from the Shallow - This reflection has helped me wade into a deeper, more embodied understanding and honoring of my own mortality and the beauty of life - an understanding well beyond a shallow intellectual understanding.  To go pop culture and quote the Lady Gaga-Bradley Cooper song Shallow, there are times when I feel "far from the shallow now."

Room for a View - Rather than dark or gloomy, these reflections pave the way for a clear seeing and savoring of life. It affects one's view of the world, life and self. It crystallizes one's deepest values and intentions. In the ordinary is now seen something extraordinary, in difficulty is known some equanimity, in pain compassion, in confusion clarity.

Letting Go - From this place of reflection, understanding and intention, it gets easier and easier to naturally let go of the unnecessary and unwise in life - as they say "abiding without clinging."
 
Please join us for the Mindfulness Study Group the first and third Sunday each month 4-6pm. Freely offered, drop-ins welcome, and no registration necessary. We read together and discuss each chapter. Books are available for use in session.

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Most recently, I stopped in a bookstore, and like any good therapist, I did most of my perusing in the self-help section. I found a book entitled "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. 
A woman perusing the same section gave the book a ringing endorsement. Even more, a few days prior, my dear friend had talked about this book. It seemed like a synchronous moment. I purchased the book and took it home.
 
Julia Cameron, a poet, playwright, fiction writer, and essayist, provides guidance to the reader to retrieve the creator within. I had beaten myself up over the past several years for not writing enough, for not creating enough. 
This was it! I had found my guide to help me fulfill my intention to create more.
 
Cameron suggests writing "morning pages" to retrieve the creative self.   In this practice, she invites the reader to sit down first thing in the morning and write long-hand, using a stream of consciousness style, for three pages. 
This has become my practice for the last several weeks. The act of writing down my thoughts, worries, struggles, feelings of anger, sadness, joy, and fear first thing in the morning seems to have a lasting, calming effect on the rest of my day. 
The act of allowing the paper to hold all of that somehow cleared the way for my creative self to emerge. Ideas have begun to flow easier, and the practice itself is a form of energetic discharge.
 
As I write about the practice of morning pages, it reminds me of the practice of mindfulness. Cameron (1992) writes "attention is an act of connection" (p. 53). 
The morning pages is the process of paying attention to one thing for about 20 minutes a day. Mindfulness and morning pages go hand in hand. Mindfulness invites us to pay attention to the "right now." The morning pages invites me to do the same...stay in the moment, sit down, write with no distractions. 
The act of paying attention to the present, disables us to worry about the future or mourn the past. The present invites us to heal and connect to ourselves in the moment. Finding a way to connect with my creative self, through the act of morning pages, is both a healing and mindfulness practice.
 
If you want to try this form of mindfulness, feel free! 
Perhaps find Julia Cameron's book and read more about the guidelines she offers about the morning pages and how to honor this practice. Observe what happens, if anything at all, when you invite this practice into your life. Pay attention and notice how this practice may serve as a way to connect to yourself and others.
 
Cameron, J. (1992). The artist's way: A spiritual path to higher creativity. Penguin Putnam Inc.: New York.

When couples get into arguments, a common behavior that derails effective communication is called stonewalling. This occurs when a person becomes flooded with emotion and chooses to utilize the "flight" portion of the "fight or flight" response. 

"Flight" can be anything from actually fleeing the room (maybe with a door slam or middle finger to add emphasis) to giving the "silent treatment." We have all been there. 

It is perfectly reasonable to disengage when you have had too much but it must be done with care in order to preserve the respect and dignity that relationships need. I instruct couples to utilize self-awareness to know when they need a break. Ideally, stepping aside to cool off is done by stating why you cannot engage at the moment and a time when to return and try to sort out the problem in a more respectful way.

What typically happens is that couples slam the door shut on communication, usually leaving the other person out in the cold. This comes in several forms including: ignoring, only communicating in disingenuous ways (sarcasm, stubbornness), leaving without saying where you are going or when you will be back, or refusing to acknowledge the other person's point of view. 

These behaviors are harmful to relationships and should be avoided as much as possible. The antidote to stone walling, according to Dr. John Gottman, is to practice self-regulation. Essentially, it is knowing when you are past your limit. Often, it can be measured by a heart rate of 100+ beats per minute. Another way to look at it is knowing personal signs that you know mean you are very angry. Most people have signs like, tightness in the neck or chest, a feeling of heat in the face or abdomen, a deep feeling of dread, etc... 

When you can manage it, simply say you need a break and try to meet up again within one hour. This lets the other person know you aren't abandoning the issue or "getting off easy." With consent on both sides, a little break can prevent a painful blowout.

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By Laura Crosby
 
If your first inclination is to shrug off the possibility of simplicity and stillness during this time of 'tis the season, you're not alone. If you are thinking that exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed are more likely, fair enough.
 
Perhaps you find yourself just "pushing through," making your lists and checking them constantly. Looking toward the promise of some peace and some space, sometime beyond the holidays.
 
And yet ...
 
What if sprinkled everywhere amidst the frenzy there are moments of pure stillness and natural simplicity? What if the peace and space is always there - even during holiday parties and family gatherings, shopping and decorating, cooking and cleaning, bundling up and shoveling out?
 
Deepak Chopra shares, "In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you."  
 
It can seem as if the demands and busyness take over and squeeze out any hope of stillness and simplicity, let alone the deep contentment they make possible. At times like these, even moments of great beauty and joy are often under-savored, distracted as we are by the hustle and bustle.
 
Yet there can be stillness and simplicity within a full life and even within a demanding time of life. We needn't surrender to one at the price of the other. Stillness makes the full life fuller. Simplicity makes space, time and heart for the demands to soften into promising possibilities.
 
This stillness and simplicity are far more available inside and around us than we think - even and especially during life's most hectic and stressful moments. You might experiment with accessing your own stillness and simplicity this season in the following ways ...

• Incline with Intention
  Consider inclining toward some stillness and simplicity with an intention for the day. "When you set your intention, it sets the compass of your heart and your psyche," as Jack Kornfield reminds us.
  
  
• Sense into your own stillness
  When you find yourself sitting still - in a meeting, at a stop light, at a meal -sense the stillness in your body, heart and mind. You may also see whether you notice any simplicity in the moment.
  
  
• Turn it off and let the simple silence in
  Experiment with turning off the radio, the news, the music for 5-10 minutes each day. Choose one stretch of your commute or your errand-running and notice the stillness and simplicity within and around you.
  
  
• Know you are breathing
  When you get in the car or just before you get out of the car (or both!), take one natural breath, sensing the body's simple in-breath and simple out-breath. 

• Drop one thing from your list
  Consider whether there is one thing on your to-do list - including your mental to-do list - that you can delete. Play with erasing it from your list as entirely as you can. 

• Slow down
  Notice when you are rushing and see what it's like to slow down even 10%. Bring some attention to the sensation of slowing down, noticing what happens in the chest, stomach, jaw, eyes, throat and hands. 

• Notice when you're stirred up
  When you find yourself whipped up into a worry or a hurry, see if you can tune in to the sounds around you for a few minutes, listening mindfully. 

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By Pamela Mueggenberg, M.A., LMHP, LPC
 
I had the great pleasure of attending an intensive review of the current research in trauma this past month. As a trauma therapist, I want to be able to bring the most up-to-date, scientifically minded understanding of trauma and its treatment to my clients.
 
The man who taught the class, Dr. Robert Rhoton out of Phoenix, Arizona was a brilliant, warm man who would not stand for any foolishness when it came to our best treatment of clients. "Just try to suck less every day," he tossed out to the group as we were struggling with new concepts and interventions. I was very pleased to see that my philosophy of integrating creative expression and mindfulness in my work was held up by numerous studies as being very effective, but one thing that I need to pay more attention to with everyone - including myself - is how our human bodies physiologically respond to stress.
 
"Our clients are not doing ANYTHING wrong!" Dr. Rhoton roared. "Their bodies are doing exactly what they have been designed to do when faced with a threat - these behaviors are NORMAL! They are PREDICTABLE! It is up to you as a therapist to UNDERSTAND them and let them know they don't need to be ashamed!"
 
Let's imagine that you have a paper cut. When you first injure your skin, your body immediately attempts to draw energy to that area, swelling the cut with platelets and white blood cells to begin the healing process. This actually causes more pain - the paper cut hurts worse a few minutes after than it did right when you got cut.
 
This is called a physiological adaptation - the body is attempting to draw energy to the injury to speed healing and create space between ourselves and whatever threat or distress may be looming. Unfortunately, sometimes those adaptations can bring added discomfort.
 
Now let's imagine the psychological version of a paper cut - someone is rude to you, your boss gives you an unreasonable deadline, your car won't start in the cold. Your body responds to this injury in the same way it would a physical injury, by diverting energy into the area to create space between you and the distress.
 
You may snap at the person, become passive aggressive, roll your eyes at your boss as she turns away, kick your tire. You are not acting as your "best self" in those moments, but you are doing what your body needs you to do. This is predictable, and normal.
 
Now let's up the ante.
 
Instead of a paper cut, you have suffered a major injury to your leg and you are losing blood quickly. A physiological adaptation will not be enough to spur healing, so your body turns to mitigation. A mitigation is when your body cannot create space between you and the threat - the threat is here - so instead it creates space between your distress, and the perception of that distress.
 
This is similar to taking a pain pill; the medication does not stop you from hurting, it blocks your perception of the pain so you feel more comfortable. Your body can do this during times of catastrophic injury by going into shock, losing sensations to parts of your body, or more frequently, fainting.
 
If we look at psychological mitigations, in the face of uncomfortable distress we may go numb, distract ourselves, use alcohol or drugs, or in many other ways detach our bodies from our experience. You may not be proud of yourself for bingeing on Netflix, but what you are doing is predictable, and normal.
 
We need to understand that our bodies are not computers with which we can assign our values and watch them effortlessly appear. Our bodies are built to keep us alive, to adapt to and mitigate threat, and seek out comfort. We have these wonderful super powered monkey brains that are doing the best they can.
 
Let's all forgive ourselves just a little bit for not being perfect, and instead try to help our minds and bodies heal. To judge ourselves with shame is to bring more distress upon us, which triggers more of these behaviors.
 
The next time you are stressed out, do a little experiment: don't blame yourself for your behaviors, go underneath them and see if you can regulate your body. Breathe. Stretch your muscles. Remind yourself that you are safe, you are loved, you are worthy. Wiggle your toes. Explore your senses, what you can see, hear, touch, taste, smell? Do you need some water, or a snack? Is there anyone around - human or pet - that you can snuggle?  
 
You might notice that once you re-regulate your body, new options open up and you are able to make choices based on who you want to be rather than what you want to avoid.
 
As we approach this holiday season, stress will be lurking behind every uncooked turkey and politically alienating family member. Let's all try to be kind to ourselves and take good care of our bodies and minds. You are a fully developed human being with so much more to you than just your behavior. Be diligent in your compassion to yourself, and we'll all get through this together.

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By Daniel Tipton, MA

Why are relationships so hard?
 
One of the reasons is that the person with whom you've chosen to journey represents a mirror; a reflection of yourself. When you get angry at the other person, it is because you are seeing something about yourself in them.
 
As hard as this may be to believe sometimes, it is always the truth. When you decide to commit to a person, you are committing to facing the most vulnerable parts of yourself. When you share deeply with somebody, your flaws (and also your greatest strengths) inevitably surface. It can be frightening to face vulnerability. And when you are frightened, when your core self seems to be threatened, the primitive brain often activates and goes into fight or flight mode. You may see it as something the other person says or does, but your reactions are always due to a "threat" to something within yourself.
 
Herein lies the beauty and necessity of relationships.
 
If you are triggered, it is certainly because there is something inside you that is asking for healing. In your heated moments of yelling, name-calling, etc..., is the little voice inside you saying, "Please, love me. I am so afraid."
 
This is why forgiveness is the ultimate calling in any relationship. It is the greatest tool, in my opinion, for leading a happy and healthy life. A relationship presents you with innumerable opportunities to practice, make mistakes, and try again.
 
Forgiveness is the answer to every question. There will always be situations that seem too complex, but with free-flowing love and acceptance, they can be addressed with greater ease. An important thing to remember is that you don't forgive the other person to pardon them from wrongdoing. You forgive to set them free and also release yourself from the burden of holding a grievance.
 
When you choose to forgive, you are forgiving the part of yourself you judged and attributed to the other person. What a loving thing to do for yourself! 
 
Ideally, all of us could let go of grievances right away. It is difficult and we often could use somebody to offer validation and mediate our reactions. Sometimes, a third party is helpful for allowing strong emotions to be brought forth, respected, organized, and reframed. This is how a good couples counselor can help you out of a stuck place in your relationship.
 
Always remember:
 
When in doubt, forgive.

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By Laura Crosby

"Our identity is like a kaleidoscope. With each turn we reset it not to a former or final state but to a new one that reflects the here-and-now positions of the pieces we have to work with. The design is always new because the shifts are continual. That is what makes kaleidoscopes and us,so appealing and beautiful."

                                                                                - David Richo, How to be an Adult in Relationships

​Is this true for you? Are you like a kaleidoscope? Can you sense yourself always shifting from one "design" to another that "reflects the here-and-now positions of the pieces" of your life - 
thoughts, feelings, moods, attention, body? 

Don't think about it. Look and listen, open and curious. What is your experience? What is true for you? Is there a fixed or final state of you? Or is there a shifting and flowing? 

What is it like to witness, even smile at this experience - your kaleidoscope -- whatever design it is taking? Letting go perhaps of what it was or what it will be. What is it like in this moment? Is it "appealing and beautiful?" 

We don't often recognize the inevitable, constant changing in ourselves or in others - let alone appreciate the "beauty" as we would a kaleidoscope. As a practical matter, we go through our days assuming a "me" or a "you" or an "us" of some former or fixed or final state. 

Our eyes are as if closed to the pattern of the kaleidoscope in our midst in this moment, dreaming instead of a "freeze frame" we knew or loved or were wronged by in some other place and time. And so our understanding of what or who is here-and-now is imprecise, even distorted.  

I remember waking up to this. My son was three, teary-eyed and wobbly as I knelt before him. It was Friday afternoon, and, as was our weekly tradition, we were having snack at the Village Grinder coffee shop and would then visit the Bookworm. We had done this hundreds of times before. 

He stood on tippy-toes, nose resting on the counter, reaching for the cookie the cashier held out for him. He no sooner had the treat in his eager hand than it was gone, crumbs on the carpet. His lips began to quiver. I knelt. Took his hand. Found his eyes.

Then I saw. I wasn't looking, I was seeing. It was subtle, but I was struck. Before me was something new, born of familiar elements and yet more and different. This beautiful boy was morphing into some new design of himself continually right before my eyes.

I was seeing him as if for the first time, over and over again. The first time and perhaps the only time he would take this exact design.

It came to me. Let me remember the former design and hope happiness for the future ones, but let me not allow either to obscure my understanding of the one before me now.  Let him be seen and known - and his unique design honored - in every moment of his life. 

What would that be like for you? To be seen and known, really accepted, in every moment by yourself and others? What would it mean for your relationships ... your health ... your happiness ... your peace?  What would it mean for you to offer this to others?

Here is how my story continues ... I was shifting too, coming out of mommy autopilot. I was able to see what was called for in that moment, rather than automatically reacting to the hundreds of moments and millions of former versions of my son and I. 

We didn't hurry to clean up the mess out of embarrassment. We didn't buy another cookie to "make it better." We didn't hustle out of line worried we were taking time and space that didn't belong to us. We didn't hush our selves so as not to make a scene or disturb others -- we didn't need to. We paused quite naturally.

There was clarity. There was a slowing down, a relaxing into, an allowing for even the sad and unpleasant. Silent tears and holding each other, an outpouring of compassion for this little being and for all of us who find something we so want in pieces before us with no going back.

And then ...a smile, a brother's nudge, a giggle, a moving on, a new design. The kaleidoscope turning continually, "appealing and beautiful."

What would it be like to thoroughly pause and know what was needed, especially during times of trouble or chaos? What would it be like to be surrounded by family and friends who could do the same?

Goodness knows there were countless moments before that Village Grinder Friday and countless since when I forgot to remember that this "I" and "you" and "we" are kaleidoscopes, not fixed and final, but continually flowing from one intricate and singular design to the next. When I do remember, which is to say when I do become mindful, I am filled with curiosity and awe - and always astounded by what I learn.

It seems that the trick for many of us is in the remembering.  Life is demanding, busy, distracting, exhausting and often traumatizing.  Even so, can we remember to open to the kaleidoscope of someone - and ourselves - in each moment?

Can we remember to let go of or suspend the ideas and stories we attach to a person? Can we see that the kaleidoscope has turned and is turning -- and that we may miss our one and only chance to know it as it is now?

Any static picture we hold too tightly is obscuring our understanding. We get stuck and stagnant, walled off in many ways from the fullness of the precious, fleeting life before us now.

Perhaps it's easy to romanticize the beauty of our "kaleidoscope" when times are simple, people are easy and memories are pleasant -- less so when they are difficult.  Very importantly, "appreciating the pattern of the kaleidoscope" is not about tolerating or condoning abuse or minimizing trauma. 

First be safe.  We can invite ourselves to see the "here-and-now" of a difficult person or experience from a safe distance in healthy doses (and if necessary work with the guidance of a therapist).

When we do, we may find that softening around a preconceived notion and seeing the here-and-now paves the way for an understanding or acceptance that lessens a burden, eases a pain, or allows for a healing forgiveness.

Here's an invitation for you.  Consider greeting the next person or being you encounter - or even yourself - with a gentle interest in their "kaleidoscope designs" during the time you spend together.

Is there a fixed or final state? Or is there a shifting and flowing? May you see and know this being - and honor their unique designs - in every moment you share. 

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By Kara, Cavel, LICSW, Ph.D.

​Even as a regular practitioner of yoga, I often move through my day without recognizing or acknowledging my body. I operate from the neck up, utilizing my overdeveloped intellectual functioning to defend against discomfort by ways of denial or distraction.
 
As a therapist, I often find myself also focusing heavily on "thinking" by helping others re frame cognitive distortions or inviting others to be curious about how they may have initially developed a certain way of thinking.
 
Let me be clear, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with engaging our intellect and playing with ideas in the context of a therapeutic relationship (or any relationship for that matter) however, I find that in addition to our minds, the body comes to therapy too!
 
I am slowly entering into a new way of being that involves both awareness of thought AND awareness of body. This was the reason why I led a six week-long yoga practice series called "Trauma Sensitive Yoga" this past spring. Because trauma and toxic stress are often stored in the body, yoga-based interventions are a way to approach healing through a somatic experience in an effort to rebuild a sense of connection to the self by becoming curious about the experience of being.
 
An embodied practice has helped me to remember that my body can be of service to me.   This embodied practice utilizes movement and breath work as a way to experience the present moment, feel empowered to make choices, take effective action, and to experience the flow of creating rhythm or synchrony with your breath and body. Specifically, the impact of taking effective action is a concept that I have grown to appreciate.
 
Most recently, I had a conversation with a fellow social worker about trauma. She said, if our bodies are unable to fight or run away from the threat to our safety, we often freeze. This freeze response is useful in that it often keeps us from experiencing further harm, however, it also is problematic because it does not allow us to complete the action needed to keep us safe.
 
With that, we often find that there is an excess of energy stored in our bodies that was discharged during the experience of a threat. Taking effective action through the process of yoga, restores our sense that we can protect ourselves and make choices that allow us to feel more comfortable. These actions are often based on a deep listening to the body and paying attention to what our bodies need in that moment. This action creates an opportunity to have what some psychoanalysts call a "corrective emotional experience!"
 
Yoga can serve as an adjunct form of treatment in facilitates a deeper relationship with our bodies by learning to trust that we can take effective action to make the right choice for us and find comfort in the synchrony of our breath and movement of the body.

I invite anyone who is struggling with connecting to their bodies in a positive way to consider taking the trauma sensitive yoga series. The practice is intended to create a more compassionate, non-judgmental relationship with ourselves.

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By Danielle Laurion, LMHP, R-DMT, GLCMA
 
As the heat of summer finally starts to relent upon us, I find myself taking my annual trip to Halsey, NE to teach for a dance camp. In actuality, this is a retreat to the woods, a reunion of old friends, and a moment to slow down and unplug. Every year, I'm reminded how beneficial taking time away is for my overall health and relationships.
 
As our society tries to connect more and more through screens and proxies, our brains still crave the human connection of face-to-face communication. In fact, the Journal of Neuroscience talked about research from Beijing Normal University that shows significant synchronization of partners' brains in face-to-face dialogue that is not otherwise found in other forms of communication.[1]
 
We are able to share in the experience more when presented with opportunities to take in nonverbal cues (such as facial expressions) and have a give and take in the back and forth of a two-way conversation. Those social interactions help us feel more connected.
 
Moreover, face-to-face interactions have been shown to increase creativity and trust in groups. "...[T]he more team members directly interact with each other face-to-face, and the more they trust other team members, the more creative and of higher quality the result of their teamwork is" according to the Journal of Organizational Design and Engineering. [2]
 
In a time when the ease of texting and social media makes the illusion of connection seem effortless, I'm reminded of how hollow those forms of communication are while sitting around a picnic table with the other dance teachers laughing about past memories or tubing down the river linked together in a chain. I sense the communal creativity of working together to create cabin skits and interpretive dances.
 
I'm also reminded of the effort it takes to stop the flow of all my every day responsibilities to be at camp, but how thankful I feel moving amongst the forest, walking up sandhills, pulling inspiration from the sunset. Slowing down to listen to the wind, birds, others, and myself isn't always easy, but I find answers that I wouldn't otherwise find if I didn't take a moment to step out of my routine and unplug.
While retreating for a week may not be possible for most people, I do believe that making the effort to really connect face-to-face is something we are all capable of. To listen, share, and be present with each other takes resolve, but the relationships we nurture reap many rewards.
 
Encourage yourself to set aside small moments this summer to connect with others beyond the devices. Unplugging can help us reconnect to our strongest bonds. We have to look up from our screens and set down our devices to allow fulfilling connections to materialize and sustain us.

[1] The Journal of Neuroscience, 7 November 2012, 32(45): 16064-16069
[2] Int. J. of Organizational Design and Engineering 01/2012; 2(4):380 - 401

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By Pamela Mueggenberg, LMHP, LPC
​
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Redmacher
 
Happy Belated Mother's Day, from the Center for Mindful Living, to every maternal figure in earshot! We are grateful to you and the nurturing you provide for your family - be that biological or emotional. Your love ripples out and helps our whole world be a gentler place. Thank you.
 
Being a mother can be extraordinarily difficult. Every shape and role of mother I have seen requires such love, patience and wisdom - and the slow simmering pain of having your heart sprout legs and move through the world outside of your body. I have had the honor of working closely with mothers through my entire career as a therapist - from parents of medically fragile children, foster and adoptive parents, step parents, working with a local nonprofit, teaching parenting classes in Douglas County jail, to my role now as an attachment oriented therapist in private practice.
 
Because of my philosophy and experiences in attachment combined with my passion for healing trauma, I have found myself a niche with women who are experiencing post partum depression or anxiety, or who have experienced birth trauma.
 
A recent study of birth experiences in the United States has found that for every woman who dies in childbirth, another 70 come close. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 50,000 women a year have "severe maternal morbidity," a term for nearly dying during or as a result of childbirth. Other women's health organizations believe that number is closer to 80,000 women a year. While these findings show us the urgent need to improve women's access to quality healthcare, I don't believe any adult would be too surprised: we all know a friend or family member who has experienced the terror of a close-call labor.
 
There are many women who have their own stories of loss of control or existential fear, but because "it all turned out fine" they don't acknowledge the trauma they experienced, or are encouraged to minimize their own emotional needs to heal from their trauma because "you and baby are healthy, you should be grateful!"
 
Then the busy-ness of motherhood kicks in, along with the long list of expectations: to breastfeed (but not in public), to lose that baby weight, to get back to work (but not too fast lest you be judged going the other direction), to be an open and enthusiastic sexual partner, to raise your child in the "right" way, to get this baby to sleep through the night (Don't cry it out! But don't coddle!), to shoulder the mental labor of running a household - but don't forget, this is a magical time so smile! Enjoy every moment, otherwise you're doing it wrong!
 
First off, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret: you don't have to enjoy every moment. Moments are fleeting, and they give you a spectrum of joy, pain, despair, laughter, exhaustion... to attempt to "enjoy" these moments is an exercise in sustained guilt. Second, you absolutely don't need to feel guilty for feeling bad after nearly dying. And if you and your baby survived labor with minimal long lasting repercussions, that does not mean that everything is "fine." You have been injured, and that requires healing.
 
Recovering from trauma is complex and can take a long time, and you have permission to take good care of yourself, listen to your body, and ask for help. It's okay to cry, to be frustrated. And if you need to talk to someone about what happened to you, please know that you can. There is a cadre of marvelous people in the world - other mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, friends, clinicians - who can help you hold some of this weight while you work on feeling better.
 
If you are experiencing some of the feelings I mentioned in this article, please don't hesitate to ask for help. We here at the Center are a good resource, but we're not the only people in town dedicated to helping. A good place to start is the United Way - call 211 and let them know what sort of help you might need. Childcare, counseling, breastfeeding support, parenting classes and support groups... they have a huge list of organizations around town that can help you. It may feel lonely right now, but know you are not in this alone. You've got this, and we would love to help you.

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