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PRACTICING MINDFULNESS:
THE CENTER FOR MINDFUL LIVING PRACTITIONERS' BLOG

Where Do We Begin? - Mindfulness and Our Children

3/31/2018

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By Daniel G. Weidner, MA

When I look at the world around us today I have reasons for concern. Many of our politicians have lost their sense of duty and honor, our government seems increasingly less responsive to the needs of regular folks, and our American society continues to become further divided and tribal. Peace seems to get further away each day, and for many of the world's citizens there is only conflict and pain. Selfishness and avarice abound. Like many of us I often wonder what can be done. It is easy to feel helpless in the face of the magnitude of these concerns. Where do we begin?
 
We in the West are just starting to understand that the practice of Mindfulness is at the core of the actions that we need to take to heal our brokenness and pain. We comprehend that this is a long-term solution - that Mindfulness is not a quick fix. It requires years of sustained training and practice.
 
When we enter this practice as adults, we find that we are engaging in a demanding discipline that requires us to learn the practice and then use that practice to deal with our own baggage. Each of us has sustained some damage along the way and each of us must face the inevitable discomfort, fear, anxiety and pain that goes along with said damage. This all assumes a willingness on the part of practitioners to follow this nonlinear path and address the many vicissitudes that we each shall find along the way.
 
But what about our children?
 
What happens if we begin to train them in Mindfulness at an early age? What if this training begins before students start their K-12 educational experience? What if we integrate these practices into our schools and homes? Will this eventually make the world a better place? I would argue that the answer is a definite yes!
 
Those of us who have an established daily practice realize that the practice itself is, in fact, healing. It infuses us with kindness, love, compassion, understanding and awareness. It helps us to learn about our own baggage and to begin the process of lightening the burden caused by these afflictions. As a result we are kinder with ourselves and we naturally treat others better.
 
Now, begin to think about our children.
 
Most of them, at an early age, do not have much baggage. Nor, at an early age, do we carry the prejudices and opinions that can get in the way of learning Mindfulness. Young children are open and receptive, and they learn at a pace that far exceeds what adults can do.
 
I think that it is time that we get focused and serious about teaching our children that life is precious and that Mindfulness can give us the tools to connect with each other, to live deeply, and to open our hearts to our lives and to each other. We understand that this will require an experiential approach to the teaching of Mindfulness.
 
This cannot be learned by just talking about it. 

It must be practiced. 

This will require that adults with an established Mindfulness practice are willing to teach this practice to others. Students, teachers, parents, and the larger community will all need to know and understand the benefits associated with engaging in Mindfulness practices.
 
We will need to communicate how this practice will benefit them and their children, and how it will benefit the society in which we live. It is my understanding, which the current research is starting to support, that Mindfulness can be a powerful force for good for both individuals and for the larger societal interface.
 
It is not a quick fix, but it is a promising and effective way to begin.
 
For more information on teaching mindfulness to children:

Wisdom House Collaborative
www.wisdomhouseomaha.com/

Mindful Schools
https://www.mindfulschools.org/

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Resisting the Lure of Perfectionism

3/2/2018

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by Nanci Nilles Psy. D.
 
Do you hold yourself to impossibly high standards? Often we set unreasonably high goals, and when we fail, we find ourselves feeling deep shame. This pattern of behavior goes hand in hand with perfectionism. Because at the heart of perfectionism is fear. Our lofty goals are often a desire to compensate for some self-perceived lack. Anything less than perfection becomes evidence of our inadequacy.
 
If you find yourself struggling with perfection, you are not alone. Thomas Curran (2017), a social psychologist who studies perfectionism, reports that perfectionism is becoming more pervasive. Curran's research indicates from 1989-2016 socially prescribed perfectionism has been on the rise. Socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when we seek to obtain approval through achieving our social group's standards. When we fail to meet to meet a standard, be it weight, financial or achievement, the underlying fear is that we are inadequate.
 
It is essential to understand the role of fear in perfectionism. Perfectionists often have the unconscious belief that, if they are not perfect, something terrible will happen. For example, if someone sees our (self-perceived) inadequacy they will not respect us. This concern is so pervasive that we may not even be conscious that it is present. We cannot address that of which we are unaware.
 
Awareness of our thought patterns starts the process of detaching from them. Labeling our thought process can also help us to identify less with these ideas. We can begin to question the unrealistic expectations that we encounter within ourselves. With time and practice, we can change from a perfectionist to someone who is content in his or her circumstances.
 
Another helpful tactic is to focus on positive elements of our performance instead of only the negative. Perfectionists are expert in discounting praise. By directing our focus to the positive, we generate positive feelings and retrain the way we process our situation. This re-wiring also primes us to tune into the positive in our experience more frequently.

When we feel inadequate, we long to feel good enough. Basing our self-esteem on our achievements and social comparison erodes our self-esteem. It is far better to adopt a compassionate, loving attitude towards ourselves. To treat ourselves as kindly as we would our dearest friend. This approach puts a sense of control back in our domain and allows us to let go of our need for perfectionism.
   
"Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016." by Thomas Curran Ph.D., University of Bath, and Andrew Hill, Ph.D., York St. John University. Psychological Bulletin. Published December 28 2017.

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