By Daniel Tipton, MA

Why are relationships so hard?
 
One of the reasons is that the person with whom you've chosen to journey represents a mirror; a reflection of yourself. When you get angry at the other person, it is because you are seeing something about yourself in them.
 
As hard as this may be to believe sometimes, it is always the truth. When you decide to commit to a person, you are committing to facing the most vulnerable parts of yourself. When you share deeply with somebody, your flaws (and also your greatest strengths) inevitably surface. It can be frightening to face vulnerability. And when you are frightened, when your core self seems to be threatened, the primitive brain often activates and goes into fight or flight mode. You may see it as something the other person says or does, but your reactions are always due to a "threat" to something within yourself.
 
Herein lies the beauty and necessity of relationships.
 
If you are triggered, it is certainly because there is something inside you that is asking for healing. In your heated moments of yelling, name-calling, etc..., is the little voice inside you saying, "Please, love me. I am so afraid."
 
This is why forgiveness is the ultimate calling in any relationship. It is the greatest tool, in my opinion, for leading a happy and healthy life. A relationship presents you with innumerable opportunities to practice, make mistakes, and try again.
 
Forgiveness is the answer to every question. There will always be situations that seem too complex, but with free-flowing love and acceptance, they can be addressed with greater ease. An important thing to remember is that you don't forgive the other person to pardon them from wrongdoing. You forgive to set them free and also release yourself from the burden of holding a grievance.
 
When you choose to forgive, you are forgiving the part of yourself you judged and attributed to the other person. What a loving thing to do for yourself! 
 
Ideally, all of us could let go of grievances right away. It is difficult and we often could use somebody to offer validation and mediate our reactions. Sometimes, a third party is helpful for allowing strong emotions to be brought forth, respected, organized, and reframed. This is how a good couples counselor can help you out of a stuck place in your relationship.
 
Always remember:
 
When in doubt, forgive.

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By Laura Crosby

"Our identity is like a kaleidoscope. With each turn we reset it not to a former or final state but to a new one that reflects the here-and-now positions of the pieces we have to work with. The design is always new because the shifts are continual. That is what makes kaleidoscopes and us,so appealing and beautiful."

                                                                                - David Richo, How to be an Adult in Relationships

​Is this true for you? Are you like a kaleidoscope? Can you sense yourself always shifting from one "design" to another that "reflects the here-and-now positions of the pieces" of your life - 
thoughts, feelings, moods, attention, body? 

Don't think about it. Look and listen, open and curious. What is your experience? What is true for you? Is there a fixed or final state of you? Or is there a shifting and flowing? 

What is it like to witness, even smile at this experience - your kaleidoscope -- whatever design it is taking? Letting go perhaps of what it was or what it will be. What is it like in this moment? Is it "appealing and beautiful?" 

We don't often recognize the inevitable, constant changing in ourselves or in others - let alone appreciate the "beauty" as we would a kaleidoscope. As a practical matter, we go through our days assuming a "me" or a "you" or an "us" of some former or fixed or final state. 

Our eyes are as if closed to the pattern of the kaleidoscope in our midst in this moment, dreaming instead of a "freeze frame" we knew or loved or were wronged by in some other place and time. And so our understanding of what or who is here-and-now is imprecise, even distorted.  

I remember waking up to this. My son was three, teary-eyed and wobbly as I knelt before him. It was Friday afternoon, and, as was our weekly tradition, we were having snack at the Village Grinder coffee shop and would then visit the Bookworm. We had done this hundreds of times before. 

He stood on tippy-toes, nose resting on the counter, reaching for the cookie the cashier held out for him. He no sooner had the treat in his eager hand than it was gone, crumbs on the carpet. His lips began to quiver. I knelt. Took his hand. Found his eyes.

Then I saw. I wasn't looking, I was seeing. It was subtle, but I was struck. Before me was something new, born of familiar elements and yet more and different. This beautiful boy was morphing into some new design of himself continually right before my eyes.

I was seeing him as if for the first time, over and over again. The first time and perhaps the only time he would take this exact design.

It came to me. Let me remember the former design and hope happiness for the future ones, but let me not allow either to obscure my understanding of the one before me now.  Let him be seen and known - and his unique design honored - in every moment of his life. 

What would that be like for you? To be seen and known, really accepted, in every moment by yourself and others? What would it mean for your relationships ... your health ... your happiness ... your peace?  What would it mean for you to offer this to others?

Here is how my story continues ... I was shifting too, coming out of mommy autopilot. I was able to see what was called for in that moment, rather than automatically reacting to the hundreds of moments and millions of former versions of my son and I. 

We didn't hurry to clean up the mess out of embarrassment. We didn't buy another cookie to "make it better." We didn't hustle out of line worried we were taking time and space that didn't belong to us. We didn't hush our selves so as not to make a scene or disturb others -- we didn't need to. We paused quite naturally.

There was clarity. There was a slowing down, a relaxing into, an allowing for even the sad and unpleasant. Silent tears and holding each other, an outpouring of compassion for this little being and for all of us who find something we so want in pieces before us with no going back.

And then ...a smile, a brother's nudge, a giggle, a moving on, a new design. The kaleidoscope turning continually, "appealing and beautiful."

What would it be like to thoroughly pause and know what was needed, especially during times of trouble or chaos? What would it be like to be surrounded by family and friends who could do the same?

Goodness knows there were countless moments before that Village Grinder Friday and countless since when I forgot to remember that this "I" and "you" and "we" are kaleidoscopes, not fixed and final, but continually flowing from one intricate and singular design to the next. When I do remember, which is to say when I do become mindful, I am filled with curiosity and awe - and always astounded by what I learn.

It seems that the trick for many of us is in the remembering.  Life is demanding, busy, distracting, exhausting and often traumatizing.  Even so, can we remember to open to the kaleidoscope of someone - and ourselves - in each moment?

Can we remember to let go of or suspend the ideas and stories we attach to a person? Can we see that the kaleidoscope has turned and is turning -- and that we may miss our one and only chance to know it as it is now?

Any static picture we hold too tightly is obscuring our understanding. We get stuck and stagnant, walled off in many ways from the fullness of the precious, fleeting life before us now.

Perhaps it's easy to romanticize the beauty of our "kaleidoscope" when times are simple, people are easy and memories are pleasant -- less so when they are difficult.  Very importantly, "appreciating the pattern of the kaleidoscope" is not about tolerating or condoning abuse or minimizing trauma. 

First be safe.  We can invite ourselves to see the "here-and-now" of a difficult person or experience from a safe distance in healthy doses (and if necessary work with the guidance of a therapist).

When we do, we may find that softening around a preconceived notion and seeing the here-and-now paves the way for an understanding or acceptance that lessens a burden, eases a pain, or allows for a healing forgiveness.

Here's an invitation for you.  Consider greeting the next person or being you encounter - or even yourself - with a gentle interest in their "kaleidoscope designs" during the time you spend together.

Is there a fixed or final state? Or is there a shifting and flowing? May you see and know this being - and honor their unique designs - in every moment you share. 

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By Kara, Cavel, LICSW, Ph.D.

​Even as a regular practitioner of yoga, I often move through my day without recognizing or acknowledging my body. I operate from the neck up, utilizing my overdeveloped intellectual functioning to defend against discomfort by ways of denial or distraction.
 
As a therapist, I often find myself also focusing heavily on "thinking" by helping others re frame cognitive distortions or inviting others to be curious about how they may have initially developed a certain way of thinking.
 
Let me be clear, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with engaging our intellect and playing with ideas in the context of a therapeutic relationship (or any relationship for that matter) however, I find that in addition to our minds, the body comes to therapy too!
 
I am slowly entering into a new way of being that involves both awareness of thought AND awareness of body. This was the reason why I led a six week-long yoga practice series called "Trauma Sensitive Yoga" this past spring. Because trauma and toxic stress are often stored in the body, yoga-based interventions are a way to approach healing through a somatic experience in an effort to rebuild a sense of connection to the self by becoming curious about the experience of being.
 
An embodied practice has helped me to remember that my body can be of service to me.   This embodied practice utilizes movement and breath work as a way to experience the present moment, feel empowered to make choices, take effective action, and to experience the flow of creating rhythm or synchrony with your breath and body. Specifically, the impact of taking effective action is a concept that I have grown to appreciate.
 
Most recently, I had a conversation with a fellow social worker about trauma. She said, if our bodies are unable to fight or run away from the threat to our safety, we often freeze. This freeze response is useful in that it often keeps us from experiencing further harm, however, it also is problematic because it does not allow us to complete the action needed to keep us safe.
 
With that, we often find that there is an excess of energy stored in our bodies that was discharged during the experience of a threat. Taking effective action through the process of yoga, restores our sense that we can protect ourselves and make choices that allow us to feel more comfortable. These actions are often based on a deep listening to the body and paying attention to what our bodies need in that moment. This action creates an opportunity to have what some psychoanalysts call a "corrective emotional experience!"
 
Yoga can serve as an adjunct form of treatment in facilitates a deeper relationship with our bodies by learning to trust that we can take effective action to make the right choice for us and find comfort in the synchrony of our breath and movement of the body.

I invite anyone who is struggling with connecting to their bodies in a positive way to consider taking the trauma sensitive yoga series. The practice is intended to create a more compassionate, non-judgmental relationship with ourselves.

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By Danielle Laurion, LMHP, R-DMT, GLCMA
 
As the heat of summer finally starts to relent upon us, I find myself taking my annual trip to Halsey, NE to teach for a dance camp. In actuality, this is a retreat to the woods, a reunion of old friends, and a moment to slow down and unplug. Every year, I'm reminded how beneficial taking time away is for my overall health and relationships.
 
As our society tries to connect more and more through screens and proxies, our brains still crave the human connection of face-to-face communication. In fact, the Journal of Neuroscience talked about research from Beijing Normal University that shows significant synchronization of partners' brains in face-to-face dialogue that is not otherwise found in other forms of communication.[1]
 
We are able to share in the experience more when presented with opportunities to take in nonverbal cues (such as facial expressions) and have a give and take in the back and forth of a two-way conversation. Those social interactions help us feel more connected.
 
Moreover, face-to-face interactions have been shown to increase creativity and trust in groups. "...[T]he more team members directly interact with each other face-to-face, and the more they trust other team members, the more creative and of higher quality the result of their teamwork is" according to the Journal of Organizational Design and Engineering. [2]
 
In a time when the ease of texting and social media makes the illusion of connection seem effortless, I'm reminded of how hollow those forms of communication are while sitting around a picnic table with the other dance teachers laughing about past memories or tubing down the river linked together in a chain. I sense the communal creativity of working together to create cabin skits and interpretive dances.
 
I'm also reminded of the effort it takes to stop the flow of all my every day responsibilities to be at camp, but how thankful I feel moving amongst the forest, walking up sandhills, pulling inspiration from the sunset. Slowing down to listen to the wind, birds, others, and myself isn't always easy, but I find answers that I wouldn't otherwise find if I didn't take a moment to step out of my routine and unplug.
While retreating for a week may not be possible for most people, I do believe that making the effort to really connect face-to-face is something we are all capable of. To listen, share, and be present with each other takes resolve, but the relationships we nurture reap many rewards.
 
Encourage yourself to set aside small moments this summer to connect with others beyond the devices. Unplugging can help us reconnect to our strongest bonds. We have to look up from our screens and set down our devices to allow fulfilling connections to materialize and sustain us.

[1] The Journal of Neuroscience, 7 November 2012, 32(45): 16064-16069
[2] Int. J. of Organizational Design and Engineering 01/2012; 2(4):380 - 401

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By Pamela Mueggenberg, LMHP, LPC
​
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Redmacher
 
Happy Belated Mother's Day, from the Center for Mindful Living, to every maternal figure in earshot! We are grateful to you and the nurturing you provide for your family - be that biological or emotional. Your love ripples out and helps our whole world be a gentler place. Thank you.
 
Being a mother can be extraordinarily difficult. Every shape and role of mother I have seen requires such love, patience and wisdom - and the slow simmering pain of having your heart sprout legs and move through the world outside of your body. I have had the honor of working closely with mothers through my entire career as a therapist - from parents of medically fragile children, foster and adoptive parents, step parents, working with a local nonprofit, teaching parenting classes in Douglas County jail, to my role now as an attachment oriented therapist in private practice.
 
Because of my philosophy and experiences in attachment combined with my passion for healing trauma, I have found myself a niche with women who are experiencing post partum depression or anxiety, or who have experienced birth trauma.
 
A recent study of birth experiences in the United States has found that for every woman who dies in childbirth, another 70 come close. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, 50,000 women a year have "severe maternal morbidity," a term for nearly dying during or as a result of childbirth. Other women's health organizations believe that number is closer to 80,000 women a year. While these findings show us the urgent need to improve women's access to quality healthcare, I don't believe any adult would be too surprised: we all know a friend or family member who has experienced the terror of a close-call labor.
 
There are many women who have their own stories of loss of control or existential fear, but because "it all turned out fine" they don't acknowledge the trauma they experienced, or are encouraged to minimize their own emotional needs to heal from their trauma because "you and baby are healthy, you should be grateful!"
 
Then the busy-ness of motherhood kicks in, along with the long list of expectations: to breastfeed (but not in public), to lose that baby weight, to get back to work (but not too fast lest you be judged going the other direction), to be an open and enthusiastic sexual partner, to raise your child in the "right" way, to get this baby to sleep through the night (Don't cry it out! But don't coddle!), to shoulder the mental labor of running a household - but don't forget, this is a magical time so smile! Enjoy every moment, otherwise you're doing it wrong!
 
First off, I'm going to let you all in on a little secret: you don't have to enjoy every moment. Moments are fleeting, and they give you a spectrum of joy, pain, despair, laughter, exhaustion... to attempt to "enjoy" these moments is an exercise in sustained guilt. Second, you absolutely don't need to feel guilty for feeling bad after nearly dying. And if you and your baby survived labor with minimal long lasting repercussions, that does not mean that everything is "fine." You have been injured, and that requires healing.
 
Recovering from trauma is complex and can take a long time, and you have permission to take good care of yourself, listen to your body, and ask for help. It's okay to cry, to be frustrated. And if you need to talk to someone about what happened to you, please know that you can. There is a cadre of marvelous people in the world - other mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, sisters, friends, clinicians - who can help you hold some of this weight while you work on feeling better.
 
If you are experiencing some of the feelings I mentioned in this article, please don't hesitate to ask for help. We here at the Center are a good resource, but we're not the only people in town dedicated to helping. A good place to start is the United Way - call 211 and let them know what sort of help you might need. Childcare, counseling, breastfeeding support, parenting classes and support groups... they have a huge list of organizations around town that can help you. It may feel lonely right now, but know you are not in this alone. You've got this, and we would love to help you.

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By Stephanie Nielsen, MA,
Restorative Wellness Practitioner
 
A month ago, my husband and I attempted to escape the brisk February weather and ventured to Vegas. I had never been there before, and I was excited to eat incredible food and watch breathtaking performances.
 
Our first night we attended an acrobatic burlesque-style show. Upon immediate entrance into the theater, I felt the ghosts of not-quite-good-enough past creep into my thoughts as I looked at photos adorning the wall of beautiful performers in well-positioned strips of cloth.
 
That would have normally lead me into a comparison and shame nose-dive, except... I noticed my thoughts. (Awareness, you are small and mighty.) I coat-checked my comparison cloak at the door-it's rather itchy and unflattering-and found warmth in my cozy cardigan of curiosity. After all, I did knowingly choose to go to a burlesque show, so why not embrace all that it is? Hi-five Carl Jung-no more resisting and persisting for this girl!
 
Now, it wasn't quite that simple. Life rarely is.
 
I was still a bit uneasy... pretty sure I held my husband's hand and gave it a squeeze-nothing wrong with asking for support. However, as I observed my surroundings and sat in awe of the performers, I felt a profound shift in my mind and body.
 
While I consciously told myself the limiting belief of comparison wasn't welcomed right now, I noticed the curiosity I replaced those beliefs with had effortlessly transitioned to compliments.
 
No longer was I wondering who choreographed the movements-I was part of the dance. The kaleidoscope of strength, courage, and joy before me, reflected the smile, laughter, and wonder within me. These performers were amazing and beyond my scope of talent, and yet I had never felt more at ease with my body and mind.
 
And that is what I want for you.
 
Not necessarily to replace comparison with compliments, but to find the answer within yourself. Forget the noise of the "should" and "oughts", and lean into the discomfort of your limiting beliefs-whatever they may be-and ask why those thoughts are occurring in the first place.
 
Get curious, because it is in that curiosity that you begin to set aside self-judgment (and, spoiler alert, judgment of others), understand yourself better, embrace what is, and discover tools that work for you to navigate through your limiting beliefs.

Photo Credit: Free Image Stock Photo
Photo by Anthony from Pexels https://www.pexels.com/photo/adult-art-artist-artistic-133170/

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By Daniel G. Weidner, MA

When I look at the world around us today I have reasons for concern. Many of our politicians have lost their sense of duty and honor, our government seems increasingly less responsive to the needs of regular folks, and our American society continues to become further divided and tribal. Peace seems to get further away each day, and for many of the world's citizens there is only conflict and pain. Selfishness and avarice abound. Like many of us I often wonder what can be done. It is easy to feel helpless in the face of the magnitude of these concerns. Where do we begin?
 
We in the West are just starting to understand that the practice of Mindfulness is at the core of the actions that we need to take to heal our brokenness and pain. We comprehend that this is a long-term solution - that Mindfulness is not a quick fix. It requires years of sustained training and practice.
 
When we enter this practice as adults, we find that we are engaging in a demanding discipline that requires us to learn the practice and then use that practice to deal with our own baggage. Each of us has sustained some damage along the way and each of us must face the inevitable discomfort, fear, anxiety and pain that goes along with said damage. This all assumes a willingness on the part of practitioners to follow this nonlinear path and address the many vicissitudes that we each shall find along the way.
 
But what about our children?
 
What happens if we begin to train them in Mindfulness at an early age? What if this training begins before students start their K-12 educational experience? What if we integrate these practices into our schools and homes? Will this eventually make the world a better place? I would argue that the answer is a definite yes!
 
Those of us who have an established daily practice realize that the practice itself is, in fact, healing. It infuses us with kindness, love, compassion, understanding and awareness. It helps us to learn about our own baggage and to begin the process of lightening the burden caused by these afflictions. As a result we are kinder with ourselves and we naturally treat others better.
 
Now, begin to think about our children.
 
Most of them, at an early age, do not have much baggage. Nor, at an early age, do we carry the prejudices and opinions that can get in the way of learning Mindfulness. Young children are open and receptive, and they learn at a pace that far exceeds what adults can do.
 
I think that it is time that we get focused and serious about teaching our children that life is precious and that Mindfulness can give us the tools to connect with each other, to live deeply, and to open our hearts to our lives and to each other. We understand that this will require an experiential approach to the teaching of Mindfulness.
 
This cannot be learned by just talking about it. 

It must be practiced. 

This will require that adults with an established Mindfulness practice are willing to teach this practice to others. Students, teachers, parents, and the larger community will all need to know and understand the benefits associated with engaging in Mindfulness practices.
 
We will need to communicate how this practice will benefit them and their children, and how it will benefit the society in which we live. It is my understanding, which the current research is starting to support, that Mindfulness can be a powerful force for good for both individuals and for the larger societal interface.
 
It is not a quick fix, but it is a promising and effective way to begin.
 
For more information on teaching mindfulness to children:

Wisdom House Collaborative
www.wisdomhouseomaha.com/

Mindful Schools
https://www.mindfulschools.org/

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by Nanci Nilles Psy. D.
 
Do you hold yourself to impossibly high standards? Often we set unreasonably high goals, and when we fail, we find ourselves feeling deep shame. This pattern of behavior goes hand in hand with perfectionism. Because at the heart of perfectionism is fear. Our lofty goals are often a desire to compensate for some self-perceived lack. Anything less than perfection becomes evidence of our inadequacy.
 
If you find yourself struggling with perfection, you are not alone. Thomas Curran (2017), a social psychologist who studies perfectionism, reports that perfectionism is becoming more pervasive. Curran's research indicates from 1989-2016 socially prescribed perfectionism has been on the rise. Socially prescribed perfectionism occurs when we seek to obtain approval through achieving our social group's standards. When we fail to meet to meet a standard, be it weight, financial or achievement, the underlying fear is that we are inadequate.
 
It is essential to understand the role of fear in perfectionism. Perfectionists often have the unconscious belief that, if they are not perfect, something terrible will happen. For example, if someone sees our (self-perceived) inadequacy they will not respect us. This concern is so pervasive that we may not even be conscious that it is present. We cannot address that of which we are unaware.
 
Awareness of our thought patterns starts the process of detaching from them. Labeling our thought process can also help us to identify less with these ideas. We can begin to question the unrealistic expectations that we encounter within ourselves. With time and practice, we can change from a perfectionist to someone who is content in his or her circumstances.
 
Another helpful tactic is to focus on positive elements of our performance instead of only the negative. Perfectionists are expert in discounting praise. By directing our focus to the positive, we generate positive feelings and retrain the way we process our situation. This re-wiring also primes us to tune into the positive in our experience more frequently.

When we feel inadequate, we long to feel good enough. Basing our self-esteem on our achievements and social comparison erodes our self-esteem. It is far better to adopt a compassionate, loving attitude towards ourselves. To treat ourselves as kindly as we would our dearest friend. This approach puts a sense of control back in our domain and allows us to let go of our need for perfectionism.
   
"Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016." by Thomas Curran Ph.D., University of Bath, and Andrew Hill, Ph.D., York St. John University. Psychological Bulletin. Published December 28 2017.

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By Kara Cavel, Ph.D., LICSW

As we move into 2018, I reflect upon the happenings of the past year.  For some of us, finding wellness in the past year may have been a considerable challenge.  We were faced with the reckonings of many wrongs, and continue to manage the inevitability of uncertainty and change. 
 
As a yoga practitioner and instructor, I have relied on my contemplative work rooted in the practice of breath and movement to ground myself in these moments of uncertainty and change.  In order to engage in this work, I remind myself that my breath is connected to my body and most importantly, I do, in fact, have a body!
 
I function in this world all too often from the neck up, heavily utilizing my intellect to engage in the everyday happenings of life.  Recognizing and noticing my body has invited more curiosity about how I feel in an effort to create a new way of knowing.  For me, this new way of knowing, deeply seated in the investigation of how my body feels, has led to a practice of activating my breath and body to create change.
 
Noticing that I can change the way I feel by paying closer attention to my breath and body has led me to understand the power of using both to effectively regulate emotional experiences, relying less on my tendency to intellectualize, and more on the experience and feeling of knowing. 
 
For me, the use of breath and body awareness is an invitation to cultivate my relationship with myself.  When I separate from myself, I am unaware of my breath, my body, or the dignity of the present moment.  Inviting myself back to my breath in times of arousal or discomfort has heightened my awareness of its power. 
 
The breath is a gateway to the nervous system.  Using my breath, gives me access to regulating my responses.  When I am able to do so, I feel safe in my body, and from this safety, I am able to access a more curious, creative stance toward the happenings of every day life.
 
In the upcoming year, I invite you to find opportunities to nurture this connection with yourself.  Being present in your body and being aware of your breath can occur anytime throughout the day. 
 

• Try noticing your body and breath in small doses first. 
• Be curious and investigate the sensations that arise in you during certain times of the day. 
• As you begin to notice these sensations, try making a choice to take five breaths, inhaling and exhaling through you nose. 
• Notice the breath for these brief moments. 
• Or perhaps you move your body in a new way. Notice how the body feels as you choose to take a different form. 

 
Discover.  Be interested.  Perhaps you will find that you have the capacity to change the way you feel through this noticing and investigative process.

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By  
Louisa W. Foster, Psy.D., RDT
 
​This time of year always lends itself to contemplation. The change of seasons, watching the world slow down and go dormant, the preparation for the burst of creation that will follow in the spring... each presents us with an opportunity for reflection as we prepare for our own "birthing" in the New Year.

For me, this is especially true as I have a holiday birthday, yet another natural pause during which we acknowledge the passing of time and plant the seeds of intent for the coming year.

As I reflect over the past year, with both its joyful successes and its challenging moments of learning, I am mindful of something that I read several months ago:

"You are under no obligation to be who you've always been."

As someone who prides herself on being able to color outside the lines, take risks and think outside the box, I find this simple phrase quite liberating. "I am under no obligation to be who I've always been."

From the Buddhist perspective, we recognize in these words, the transient and ephemeral nature of self-or, as we've discussed many times in our sitting groups, "there is no there, there." Yet, as human beings, we are hard wired to look for some sense of constancy of self to help define us, to make an uncertain world seem more predictable and safe, by asserting "This is who I am."

That fixed sense of self, understood more psychologically, can be seen as schemas, or patterns of responses, formed through experience and learning, through direct and indirect interactions with one another and the world. But, sometimes, perhaps even often, our understanding of self, as mediated through our interpretation of the world, is just plain wrong.

Some of the beliefs we hold about ourselves are based on faulty learning and negative messages from others, or painful experiences that we try to protect ourselves from in the future. In abiding by these fixed, and often damaging beliefs, (frequently even when there is convincing evidence to the contrary), we hinder our ability to experience the fullness of who we truly are. Instead, we become trapped in the twisted mirror of who we think we are.

What if, as we look ahead to 2018, we entertain the notion that we, like all things, are in a constant state of creation, evolution and discovery? What if the limits that we have placed on our thinking, our behavior, and our capacity to be fully human, are shackles to which we already hold the key?

Pema Chodron often extolls the virtues of doing the non-habitual-a bit of a neurological reset, if you will. Perhaps, during this time of reflection and contemplation, we might consider our own reset. Maybe we can express confidence in the knowledge that we are so much more than we confine ourselves to being.

Just because I have never been able to maintain a consistent meditation practice in the past, or get up early for a morning run, suggests nothing about who I am now, or what I am capable of today. My history of trauma, failed relationships, or addiction does not need to inform my future. My tomorrow does not need to be held hostage by the mistakes, misjudgments, or decisions of the past. I am under no obligation to continue to be that person.

We are capable of so many great and beautiful things. We are not required to maintain some past self who failed at living a healthy lifestyle, dismissed or mistreated others, or watered the seeds of jealousy and greed-even if we have done so frequently in the past.

If we are dissatisfied with our view of ourselves and how we have lived our lives up to this point, we are under no obligation to continue to engage in those same limiting beliefs and behaviors. At any moment, we may pause and determine whom we choose to be from this moment forward and, in that sacred pause, become the best of what we have to offer the world.