THE CENTER FOR MINDFUL LIVING - Blog

I Got You

10/30/2021

by Laura Crosby

Ordering vegetarian at a Midwest steak house is getting easier, but still has its awkward moments. It can be a little like wearing a bathing suit at a nude beach. The looks say, “Maybe you would be happier elsewhere.” The table conversation slows as my dinner companions brace for my order, wondering how… and why? The not-so-tiny voice in my head: “You’re so high maintenance. Always a bother.”

This time was different. This time, three little words and the truth behind them changed everything. With a warm smile and knowing eyes, the server took my order, saying simply, “I got you.” And she did.

It was a casual, off-the-cuff remark. Yet, against the backdrop of the situation and the world outside – where the dividing lines are growing deeper and more fraught – it felt to me like a real kindness. A genuine gesture of ally-ship.

I hear it more and more now. “I got you.” Also heard as, “Igotchyoo.” Listen for it. This subtle yet distinct offering of human compassion is sprinkled throughout many a place and day right here in our community. In a way, it’s radical in its unremarkable, even unconscious, activism.

While it can be heard as an insignificant turn of phrase, it points quite profoundly to a basic human need – one many of us are feeling more acutely right now. The need for connection and support. The need to know that we are not alone and that we care enough to listen to each other and try to understand, respect, and take care of each other.

I got YOU. I got ME. I got US. It gently invites all in earshot to incline toward kindliness and care.

In that spirit, here is a big offering of “I got you” to everyone at the Center … all those in our sitting groups, workshops, study groups, retreats … our neighbors in Dundee and beyond … all the black lives that matter … all our LGBTQIA2S+ friends … black, indigenous, and people of color … those suffering around the world … and to our planet.

I got you. I really do.

It's About to Get Sad

9/30/2021

It’s About to Get S.A.D.
By Jenna Lopez, LICSW, LIMHP

As summer turns to fall, there is no amount of pumpkin spice that can keep the S.A.D.s at bay. If you do not know what the S.A.D.s are, allow me to explain.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that is related to changes in season, most commonly experienced in the fall to winter months, but for some can cause symptoms in spring through summer. If you are like me and experience a noticeable shift in your overall mood from about October to March, you may be going through the S.A.D.s too.

As a Midwestern born and raised, I used to believe that my yearly mood shift was simply me not being a fan of cold and snow. The older I got the harder it became to ignore how truly different I feel during the winter months.

Then I learned about S.A.D. and it put into perspective what I was experiencing. Lower energy levels, depressed mood more days than not, losing interest in activities, feeling irritable most days and feelings of hopelessness.

These symptoms start off mild and then increase in intensity as the months progress. Then like magic, they simply seem to disappear as the sun comes out and temperatures rise.

The good news is that this brand of depression is predictable! When we know it is coming, we can have a plan. We can put that plan into place, practice and adjust it every year as we find what works and what doesn’t.

I thought I would share some of my plan in order to help others navigate managing their S.A.D.s:

Pro tip - do not invalidate yourself by brushing this off as a seasonal funk that you must tough out on your own. The reduced level of sunshine in fall and winter can affect our biological clocks (circadian rhythm) and our brains production of serotonin, a brain transmitter that affects mood.
I try to increase the frequency of my therapy appointments during these months, take a vitamin D supplement and most recently purchased a sun lamp (and loved it!) Vitamin D is what our body produces naturally when we get sunlight and can be taken in pill form.
A sun lamp can assist in managing those serotonin shifts and help keep our system more regulated.

This year’s goal in the battle against S.A.D.s is figuring out how to maintain my level of movement. I am a runner, and this is how I like to complete my stress cycles, but it never happens in winter. This drop off in my movement means I am storing those stress cycles which increases the intensity of my symptoms of S.A.D.

Not this winter! I am determined to either invest in a treadmill, create a yoga routine at home, or pick up the old hand weights and start lunging.

I want to challenge you to try one new thing this S.A.D.s season and see how it makes you feel!

Delayed Grief

8/30/2021

By Pamela Mueggenberg, MA, LMHP, PCP

As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel chair, watching my baby nap on the bed next to me after meeting more family than he ever knew existed. We are traveling this weekend to celebrate the life of a beloved elder - one who died over six months ago.

In what is now a typical scene, we greet each other warmly, disclosing our vaccine status before sweeping into big hugs, and ask the most obvious question: how are you doing with all this after having to wait so long for us all to say good-bye?

Delayed grief is a phenomena that developed alongside our capacity as a species to understand loss; when the emotional or physical pain of a loss is not acutely felt right away, but rather sneaks up on us months or years later. Before Covid, delayed grief was an individual response to complex loss, one where the griever had multiple, urgent stressors that required their attention.

A wonderful resource called “Grief In Common” lists some scenarios that might trigger this response:

losing a co-parent with small children
losing a parent immediately followed by the care of the remaining parent
losing someone while managing your own health concerns
losing a person and their income which leads to resource instability
loss during another big life event like a new job or divorce
the perceived responsibility to be the "strong one" to take care of others.

With a national quarantine effectively banning any public outpouring of physical connection and emotional consilience, we are now collectively experiencing delayed grief.

How can we fully sit with our loss if we are unable to perform the ritual of letting go? How can we be expected to process pain when we were navigating unemployment, illness, schooling disruption, resource instability or "just" the collective trauma of living through the worst pandemic in modern history?

The answer is, we can't. And we shouldn’t feel bad about that. Grief is nothing if not patient, and an exquisitely painful state of being that is needed to heal and integrate our life without our loved one.

Janet Weisiger lost her husband of 61 years in May 2020. She was able to set the date for his funeral service on May 8, 2021. She writes:

"I had thought in one year I would have experienced the painful reality of loneliness and precious memories, but that would have ended. Instead, the memories of 6l years of marriage came back in full force as I planned Dick's memorial service.... Now the memorial service is over. Dick's 90 years and 4 months have been re-lived, memories are permanently engraved in our minds, the joy of knowing him and loving him has been strengthened, and the grief has lessened. Closure is finally taking place."

I wish for all of you the same peace that Mrs. Weisinger is moving towards today. Remember, grief is hard but you are not alone. There is love around you, even if we have to wait to see it in person.

A Reflection on Vicarious Resilience

6/30/2021

By Kara Cavel, PhD, LCSW

As a clinician, I am familiar with the term 'vicarious trauma', or the impact clinicians experience working with individuals or groups of people who have experienced trauma. Recently, I read about vicarious resilience, the opposing force to vicarious trauma, and considered how this term might apply to me, to us right now.

Vicarious resilience is the “process of observing and even being a part of a survivor’s healing process and their personal transformation from surviving to thriving” (Tenty as cited in Morgaine & Capous-Desyllas, 2014, p. 231).

Is it possible to consider how we might serve as empathic listeners to those who share their stories of survival, especially among communities, families, and individuals who have experienced the death and devastating harm imposed by the worst public health and economic crisis experienced in generations?

How does the act of listening to understand rather than listening to respond create the conditions that can move us from surviving to thriving?

How does holding the truth of others teach us to hold our own truths?

If you have the capacity to bear witness to stories of survival, could this help to facilitate conditions for healing for others?

Conversely, if you can name and locate someone who can respond to your truth with understanding and empathy, is it possible to feel a shift toward healing?

Together, can we work toward finding a place to foster the conditions needed to pass along the truths of our experiences?

Together, let’s foster the experience of vicarious resilience.

References

Morgaine, K. & Capous-Desyllas, M. (2014). Anti-Oppressive social work practice: Putting theory into action. Cognella Academic Publishing.

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Re-Entry Anxiety

5/30/2021

By Nanci Nilles Psy.D.

Lately, I have heard the term “re-entry anxiety.” It is the apprehension some people have as the country moves to a post-pandemic phase. Mental health professionals have found a few themes present in these fears; a fear that a year of lockdown has decreased one’s social skills and a “lurking” fear one may contract or carry COVID19 variants to others. Symptoms of re-entry anxiety may include worrying about social situations, distractibility, and a desire to avoid others.

If you have never struggled with significant anxiety, such experiences are disconcerting and seemingly at odds with the lifting restrictions. If one has an anxiety disorder, re-entry anxiety may exacerbate existing worries. These more intense symptoms can feel like a significant setback.

With its limited interactions with others and the absence of opportunity to travel, the past year resulted in repetitious days and solitary routines. Breaking these patterns, even when doing so is perceived in a positive light, may feel unsettling and cause anxiety. (Daily Briefing 2021.)

So what can we do to help ourselves cope with the re-entry anxiety? The first is to acknowledge the feeling of dread. Fear is difficult to ignore, and pushing away or trying to control it often makes it feel more intense. It is a paradox; by acknowledging anxiety's presence, we can exist with it more peacefully.

We can also recall other changes we have navigated successfully. These memories build our self-confidence and remind us how often facing a challenging time leads to transformation. (Cuncic 2021.)

A practical approach is to set small, consistent goals for re-entry that allow for gradual exposure to anxiety-producing situations. Treating ourselves with self-compassion as we face what makes us uncomfortable is essential. There is no need to compare ourselves to what others are doing. By honoring our own pace, we practice gentleness towards ourselves, which also helps to lessen anxiety. (Dupont 2021.)

And lastly, if coping with re-entry anxiety feels like too much, it is ok to ask for assistance. Help can be increasing your support system, upping self-care, joining a support group, or seeking out treatment. Just know, it is ok to be anxious, and you need not navigate this passage alone.

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Facing Fear

4/30/2021

by Laura Crosby
dedicated to Aja

The Mindfulness Study Group spent the last year reading In the Face of Fear, Buddhist Wisdom for Challenging Times, (edited by Barry Boyce and the Editors of Shambhala Sun).

A compilation of essays from beloved contemporary mindfulness teachers, the book explores how our state of mind and our reactions to fear, uncertainty, and difficulty influence the ways we ride life’s waves and access our natural compassion, equanimity, and resilience.

Facing fear and cultivating wisdom together in challenging times felt uniquely relevant going into 2020 and proved essential throughout.

In fact, we chose In the Face of Fear in 2019 – before the pandemic; before the killings of Breonna Taylor and George Floyd; before the election; before, before, before.

Looking back, we were friends in facing fear. Friends in traversing a fearful time. Friends in courage, wisdom and loving farewells.

We explored gems of insight from the Dalai Lama, Pema Chödrön, Thich Nhat Hanh, and others as they wrote about the times we live in and how to see things as they really are, transform suffering into joy, have courage and a sense of humor, and so much more.

Here are a handful of the teachings we enjoyed:

        “Like a teaspoonful of salt placed in a pond full of fresh water rather than a narrow glass, if our measure of fear is arising in an open, vast space of heart [awareness], we will not shut down around it. We may still recognize it as fear, we may still quake inside, but it will not break our spirit.”
– Sharon Salzburg

      “You imagine that certain conditions are necessary to your happiness, but deep looking will reveal to you that those are the very things that are making you suffer.”
– Thich Nhat Hanh

        “Hardships are the major catalysts for change and development in our lives; they wake us to how we create suffering through our own attitudes and intentions, our actions and relationships.”
– Polly Young-Eisendrath

        “… how I feel about someone is up to me and … my feelings do not ultimately depend on the person, his or her behavior, or the situation.”
– Joseph Goldstein

        “Ultimately, it’s awareness that heals … Feel the energy in the body as you focus on the “whatness” (rather than the “whyness”) of your experience.”
– Ezra Bayda. As one of our members offered, what would now be like if there was no problem to solve?

        “The beginning of being fine is noticing how things really are… and if there is blame or outrage, or fear, noticing that without blame, outrage or fear. With such noticing, compassion enters.”
– John Tarrant

Stay tuned for news about our next book. All are invited!

Most Powerful? Most Important?

3/29/2021

By Megan Filipi

Chess is all the rage these days. Since we’ve been home during the Pandemic and binge watching “The Queen’s Gambit”, chess is the latest oldest trend. However, chess was played in our home long before this pandemic. Chess can help you in life in many ways. For example, it can help you make mindful, unrushed decisions, look at the bigger picture, and weigh the pros and cons of your choices.

Many years ago, I distinctly remember my 3-year-old son on his tippy toes, arms folded on the edge of the dining room table, chin resting on the tops of his hands, fully engaged and following the chess game being played by his Papa and Uncle Joe. Ever since, he’s been a chess player.

I’ve always wanted to learn this game my kids play regularly. I decided it was time for my son, who is now 21, to teach me. He started off small and slow, just what I needed! With pieces in place, he then described the role of each. Pawn “least powerful”, Rook “protector”, Knight “minor piece”, Bishop “minor piece”, King “most important”, Queen “most powerful”.

“Wait! Wait a second” I said. “What did you just say?” He then repeated it. “The King is the most important, but the Queen is the most powerful.”

I had to stop and take that in. What does that mean? Are they not synonymous? What does that even look like? Let’s apply that to us. What does it look like in everyday life? Important versus powerful. Don’t they have the same qualities?

Not necessarily.

I decided to investigate. Tony Robbins writes…”Let’s talk about one of the most sought after human needs: the need for significance. There’s not a person alive on the planet who doesn’t want to feel important or needed. Why is feeling special such a compelling force? Why does feeling insignificant make us feel so devastated? Once you understand why you’re driven to feel significant to those around you, you can better interpret your own actions and use this desire to help you work toward your goals.”

Why do we have a need to feel important? How do we do that? What are the characteristics of feeling ‘most important’? Let’s look at this more closely.

Some characteristics of feeling most important can be: haughtiness, overly self-confident, proud, productive, a go-getter, self-focused, boosts of self-esteem, being recognized, being acknowledged.
As I think more about this I wonder if one only feels important when being compared to others? Do these two terms ‘feeling more important than’ and ‘feeling important’ mean the same thing? Do you feel important because there is comparison to another? When you feel important you are gaining and getting all this attention. Attention can be paid to you but is it genuine interest? If the gained attention is only that then the ‘feeling important’ can be fleeting. Once that feeling is gone you want it back again.

Let’s look at what the characteristics are of feeling ‘most powerful’: quiet confidence, silent strength, self-assured, courageous, humble, vulnerable, intuitive, grateful, solid, calm, others focused, quick emotional recovery, self-disciplined, the ability to see with a wide-angle lens.

There doesn’t seem to be a comparison to another when feeling ‘most powerful’. It comes from within. It’s on the inside, not out. Take care of the power.

To me, feeling powerful is the most important. Be like the Queen. Move in any direction that’s best. Be surrounded by love and support. Know who you are and with conviction have the quiet confidence to live the life you were born to live.

So I ask you…which is better? To feel ‘most powerful’ or ‘most important’? Are there negative connotations for each? Does one have to be better than the other? Which one do you want to be? Can you be both?

Skills acquired while playing chess are nothing short of problem solving, patience, strategic thinking, creative thinking, or calm under pressure. These qualities can be used to live a fulfilling, daily life. Whether you want to feel ‘most important’ or ‘most powerful’, chess can show you the way.

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Building Skills for Challenging Times

2/28/2021

By Nanci Nilles Psy. D.

As we approach the pandemic’s year milestone, it is important to note many of us are experiencing emotional and physical fatigue, irritability, and overwhelm. Months of vigilance for our health and safety, disruption of daily routines, and social isolation have stressed our nervous systems and depleted our emotional and physical resources (Turmaud 2020).

Thankfully, there is a lot of literature available about navigating challenging times. A consistent message is to keep socially connected; get your sleep; maintain good nutrition; regulate social media; take a news break (Turmaud 2020). Excellent recommendations.

I want to add to this wisdom with the following tools, which may be a valuable addition to your self-care skill set.

One such tool is staying in the present moment. No small task as internal and external distractions bombard us daily, causing our minds to race to the future or the past. A good question to ask oneself is, “What is most important now?” This question directs the attention to the present moment, creating a focal point. And having a focal point often helps to tune out noisy thoughts or a stressful news cycle (Athey 2021.)

The challenge of staying attuned to the present is redirecting attention when it wanders. Rather than criticizing yourself for an inability to sustain attention, it is more effective to accept that you will need to bring it back to the present moment.

Mindfulness and meditation develop this refocusing muscle. Another method is to adopt this daily practice: acknowledge a distraction by thinking “hello” to it. And then letting the distraction go by bidding it “good-bye.”

We often hear how isolation is one of the main struggles of the pandemic. Keeping regular contact with our support system is the best way to break this isolation. As an adjunct to personal connection, it can be helpful to “find your heroes.” This tool involves regularly reading, viewing, interacting with people or ideas who inspire or uplift you.

In challenging times, when there are multiple ways for the media to influence our outlook, we must choose the messages which will energize us rather than bring us down (Firestone, L 2021.)

In these challenging times, we can actively choose to break out of living in crisis mode by practicing self-care regularly. And in doing so, may we find more moments of resilience and calm.

Athey, A (2021, January 14) “How to Weather Psychologically Toxic Conditions” Psychology Today.

Firestone, L (2021, February 1) “Nourishing Your Resilience in Hard times” Psychology Today.

Turnaud, D.(2020, June 21) “Why Survival Mode Isn’t the Best Way to Live.” Psychology Today.

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2021 in a Word

1/30/2021

Interconnectedness by Dan Weidner

Featured Article
By CML Staff

As has become our tradition in January, the CML community of providers is beginning the year with a word to describe a personal focus in 2021. As we did last year, we invite you to contribute to the discussion by posting your 2021 word on our Facebook page, along with a sentence of two about why you chose it for your focus this year.

SANGHA [ suhng-guh ]
~Laura Crosby

In Pali and Sanskrit sangha means “bring together.” We often translate it more simply as “community.”
The essence of sangha, for me, points to bringing together and being together in a particular way. Meeting each other -- and ourselves -- with presence, honesty, and kindness. Sharing and allowing. Seeing our sameness, honoring our diversity, experiencing our interconnectedness. Out of this can flow a wisdom, compassion, and belonging we can trust.
While I have always cherished and found great comfort in togetherness, the distancing and divides of 2020 have shown me the refuge I take, the peace and freedom I find, and the insights I gain in what I know as sangha. And so, to sangha in 2021 and beyond.

ANGER & GRACE
~Kara Cavel

Below is a description of the words anger and grace from Mary Anne Radmacher-Hershey.

The two words in combination serve as a source of power for me.

Anger:

My anger is justified within me simply because it exists. Its expression may need to be to no one else except me. In fact, sometimes, this is the best expression. Words spoken in anger are rarely productive. Words in anger examined personally are revealing and instructive. I freely express my anger to myself, then if needed, I will offer the results without apology.

Grace:

There is a place of safety which I create for myself. In moments of confusion, at times when I feel overwhelmed, I step into my own circle of grace. It is in this place I converse with myself and see any situation with greater clarity.

COURAGE
~Nanci Nilles

I read the description of Courage from J. Ruth Gendler's The Book of Qualities.  She writes "Courage looks you straight in the eye. She is not impressed with power trippers, and she knows first aid. Courage is not afraid to weep and she is not afraid to pray, even when she is not sure who she is praying to." This is the quality I seek in myself and others; exactly what (I believe) these times call for.

UNHURRIED
~Pamela Mueggenberg

My word for this year is unhurried. Several weeks ago, the planets aligned and I was able to brush my teeth, brush my hair, wash my face, and even put on moisturizer (!!) without anyone needing help or attention.

As a mom of two boys, one a gigantic 8-month-old baby, that little moment was a cherished anomaly. I realized that unhurried moments of self-care are urgently needed in my life.

Faced with the temptation of what may be happening with my family while I'm working, or what I need to do at work while I'm with my family I find myself hurrying through my life just to get to the Next Thing.

This year I am going to try to slowly, unapologetically, unhurriedly take care of myself in small moments through the day. Even moisturizing!”

HOPE
~Meg Filipi

It’s my nature to be hopeful. I do have hope for all of us in 2021. Hope is in moments. Those moments can occur spontaneously or I can actively create them. One way I do that is by perusing a recent masterpiece “The Boy, The Mole, The Fox, and The Horse” by Charlie Mackesy.

If you need a little more hope throughout your year, because the pages are full of it, I highly recommend picking up a copy. This book will bring you many moments of hope along with a peaceful smile.

EMERGENCE
~Louisa Foster

2020 really threw me out of my natural rhythm. I was trucking along, with a pretty good idea of where I was headed, and how to get there, when the pandemic and a couple of other personal challenges hit. As we all experienced, life and plans became a big cosmic game of “pick-up sticks”.

At first, I resisted these changes. But, once I surrendered (my 2018 word) a bit, I found that last year provided an unequaled opportunity to re-examine all the things I was so darn sure about.

This year, I intend to continue to challenge myself to think outside the box about myself, my life, my relationships, and give myself permission to try some new things and experience myself in some new ways. And to listen to what I find. The cocoon is tight, but I feel some wings forming.

INTERCONNECTED
~Dan Weidner

I chose this word because Covid-19 is proof of our interconnectedness – it doesn’t care who you are…! Furthermore, we must begin to heal our Nation by understanding that when all is said and done we are inexorably interconnected.

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You Can Be Both

12/29/2020

By Megan Kelly Filipi, BSN, RN, CPC, ELI-MP

“Get outside. Watch the sunrise. Watch the sunset. How does that make you feel? Does it make you feel big and tiny? Because there’s something good about feeling both.”
- Amy Grant

That was my Thanksgiving.

I was solo, watching the sun rise and set in Valentine, Nebraska. And it was glorious!

I never thought that I would be alone for Thanksgiving, (notice—I didn’t say lonely) nor did I ever think I could have enjoyed being alone for Thanksgiving. But that’s what 2020 has done, help us to see our lives and our experiences in a different way.

What a time we are living in! Soon enough this pandemic will be coming to an end. Yes, it will be over. Eventually. With all the heartache it has caused, it will be gone as fast as it came.

Because we are in the holiday season, let’s focus on blessings. With the holidays, there is often a belief, and sometimes even forced subliminal messaging, that they are supposed to be perfectly joy-filled and merry. But they can also be messy, depressing, and harried. They can be both. So too can this pandemic.

Amidst all the pain, there still is goodness happening. What if we looked at this global pandemic as if it’s happening FOR us, instead of happening TO us? We can have both togetherness yet isolation; family yet solitude; love yet fear; laughter yet grief; fulfillment yet feeling incomplete; joy yet sorrow.

How many of us have felt guilty smiling while suffering a loss? At the time believing, “I shouldn’t smile because I am grieving.” What if we allowed ourselves to feel both? What if we allowed ourselves to be both happy and sad? One thing this scary time needs is GRACE—grace towards others and especially toward ourselves. Let’s not chastise ourselves for feeling some good during these days of fear.

You have permission. You can be scared, yet secure; terrified, yet peaceful; insecure, yet safe; unsure, yet solid; leading, yet asking for guidance; angry, yet calm; overwhelmed, yet in control; lost, yet found; small, yet powerful; serious, yet playful; crying, yet laughing; unsure, yet wise; second guessing, yet intuitive; angry, yet compassionate; protector, yet needing protection; sensitive, yet strong; work in progress, yet masterpiece; lover, yet needing to be loved; history, yet present moment; segmented, yet whole; curse, yet a blessing.

I am a nurse, with 25 years of experience, who is recently certified as a Wellness/Energy Leadership Coach. I want to serve and guide those going through life’s transitions. I want to help shift your energy, so that you can get the most out of your life, while making conscious decisions through your transitions.

I’ve gone through big transitions in my life, especially as of late, and I am here to help those who will do the same. We ALL go through transitions—each and every one of us— you transition. It’s a collective grief we are experiencing. We are all in this together.

As palpable as the stress, anxiety, and fear of our world is today we can prevail and find the goodness. Let’s bring in the New Year with wholeness. Strive to accept yourself with your multitude of opposing emotions. Where there is dark, let there be light. Let’s carry the light together into the new year.

You can be both.

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